Being a Father In the Technological Era

Every generation has had its share of difficulties that it had to endure. From war, to drugs, to plagues, to technology.

Wait. What? How can I lump technology into that group?

Well, I'm first admitting that my current generation has it pretty easy when compared to what my Grandpa had to go through, or what his Grandpa had to go through. Yes, I'm talking about strictly a first world problem. No, they don't compare in severity or the cost many fathers had to pay in the past. But in having the ability to ruin a life or a relationship between a Father and his child, technology is powerful.

I feel it is important that I stress that I am a huge fan of technology. I have a blog about it even, and I'm often accused of being a geek, something I take as a compliment really. I think technology is amazing, and I want my kids to understand it and be a part of it growing up as I feel these are life skills for their future. However, I also see the luring temptation that it can be. I see the pitfalls of laziness that many kids and adults can easily fall into.

There are two sides to the negative end of technology. The kid side, and the Dad side.

The kid side is easy for me to see and pick on as it is always easier to see and pick on another person's faults. So, I'll deal with it first.

As parents of two boys and two girls now, the fight my wife and I wage daily often centers around a digital screen. TV, Xbox, computer, tablet, phones... There are so many desirable options for kids to spend their time, it is easy for them to simply jump from one to another. If I need to really punish my boys, taking away screen time is most effective.

Yet, this dependence on technology can have adverse effects on children. Einstein said that true knowledge is imagination. And by spending 24 hours a day in front of a screen, a child's imagination is easily harmed. Growing up, being bored was a reality of life. And, yet, it was something we would overcome by finding something to do. Play outside, build a fort, ride a bike, swim, skate, and so on. I remember once taking a bucket of finish nails and a pile of scrap, wood trim and nailing every piece together across the yard (I'm sure my dad loved cleaning that up). The point is, we created things to do with our imaginations and what we had at our disposal. Raining outside? Tent time with sheets! Painting! Games! Sunny outside? Then why on earth would we stay in? Get outside! Go climbing! Running! Build something! Lock that grumpy old neighbour in his outhouse! Oh, forget that last one, sorry...

But now, the instant a child senses boredom coming, what is their first reaction? Head outside? Build something? Or turn on a screen?

As a parent, we must find that balance between technology and becoming creative and imaginative. And it can be tough, as so often parents tend to use technology as a babysitter. Because we don't have time, or don't have enough concern, to spend time with our kids, we turn on a screen so that they are entertained.

Let me be clear. It is not my job to entertain my child 24/7.

Did you hear that part?

Yes, spend time with them. Yes, keep them safe. Yes, keep them healthy. But there should be no guilt in telling your child to go and figure out something to do in their own.

And therein lies another challenge of balance.

When is it Ok for you to tell your child to go and entertain themselves, and when should you get up off that couch and play with them? Parents need downtime, we need time to wind down or just relax. But kids need to be a high priority. Take them to the park, play a family board game or have an evening of hide and seek! Let me put it this way. If you are at the end of your life looking back, will you regret not having down time or not having enough time with your child? I think any decent parent knows the answer to that. Yet sometimes it is still hard to make that decision. And, more often than not, that decision becomes even harder with technology in the picture.

Ever snapped at your child for interrupting your TV show? Or your phone call? How about while playing one of those oh-so-addictive Facebook games? I think there are many of us out there who would quickly hang our heads in shame for these types of actions.

Technology in the hands of a child can become harmfully addictive. Technology in the hands of a father can become harmfully disruptive.

There is no better way to tell a child they are not important than by regarding a piece of metal and plastic higher than them. Don't talk to me, I'm on the phone. Yes, of course I saw that picture you showed me while I was texting on my phone! No, I won't stop this movie, I already gave you a bedtime hug!

The message we send by such actions can be interpreted no other way. You are just a child, I will devote my time to you after I am done focusing on some other more important things.

Next time you give your child grief for his use of technology, consider yours. Next time your child wants to show you something, put the phone down. Shut the computer off. Drop the tablet. Show them that they are worth so much more than anything else I can your possession.

An Example to Follow

I spent over half of my life living under my own, earthly Father’s roof. I hope to write out a few quick examples of being a good father by what he demonstrated for the first 18 years of my life. Actually, that’s not accurate. While I lived in his house for 18 years, he’s still my father and is still demonstrating and leading by example by being my father, although it is in a different capacity to be sure.

My father became a Dad in April of 1976 when my older brother was born. I can’t tell you when he truly became a father, I may have to ask for his thoughts on this. Was he able to instantly figure things out? The picture of him smoking or my brother in his diapers trying to drink Dad’s leftover beer say otherwise. But, whenever it happened, I’m proud to say that he did figure it out, at least to a large extent.

Many people like to point to their Dad’s as the source of their current troubles. Daddy didn’t love me enough, Daddy didn’t spend enough time with me, whatever. And often, this is a very valid case. Rarely, however, do you see someone saying that they are who they are because of the good that their Dad did in their lives. My Dad was a positive influence on me. He is to “blame” for many of the good traits that I have grown into. Let me get into some of them below here.

First of all, my Dad was quiet and patient. I think I remember my Dad getting mad enough to really yell at me maybe once? It was rare for him to get upset enough about something that he would actually show his frustration audibly. His quiet, passive attitude sometimes drove me crazy. I recall a time while driving in Mexico that someone cut him off on our way home from church. He was obviously flustered, but all he said was “that…. dumb banana!” We all laughed about it then, but it is a great memory for me to think back to and realize that handling tense or annoying situations with anger and an attitude really doesn’t get me any further ahead.

Secondly, my Dad was a gentle man. Granted, I may have disagreed with such a statement when I was younger and he was bringing down his belt across my behind! But the fact is, Dad handled many situations as well as his interactions with others with a patience and gentleness about him. In the rare opportunities that I actually took to spend time working with him on a vehicle (something I have regretted not doing much, much more of while I had the chances), Dad would work with a calmness that I have envied to this day. My wife, and unfortunately my children, have been witness to me loosing control all too often when things don’t go the way I would like. If a bolt won’t come off, if I strip a screw, if I misalign a cut with a skill saw. Many times I have been guilty of letting the stress of the immediate situation get me down and I reacted. My Dad, however, rarely did, if ever. He calmly worked with the situation to the best of his ability. When things went south, he accepted it with gentleness. However, this trait was not only in dealing with inanimate objects, but also with people. His kids (there were 4 of us), his own parents, brothers and sister, other people and, most importantly, my Mom. This gentleness is something I have always strived to obtain more of in my life, and I hope I can one day obtain.

Finally, speaking of his dealings with my Mom, Dad’s obvious love and adoration towards her is something I have strived to model in my own married life. He made his wife his number one priority. Sorry, that’s not quite accurate. I suppose Mom was his number two priority after God and his relationship with Him. However, his treatment of her was an example for me to follow. Growing up, through High School, College and beyond, I always tried to treat women with chivalry. I would open doors, carry bags, offer coats, stand to offer a seat, etc. I take no credit for this attitude. Instead, in a world where such actions are quickly becoming fewer and further between, I can only say that it was the example of my own Father before me that taught me these values. I regret to say that since being married, I have failed to keep this level of respect and pampering of my own wife. Yes, I still will hold open the door for her, I will stand so she can sit and I will give her my jacket if she is cold. But, I still have become more complacent in my relationship, something that I know I need to be more focused on and ensuring that I do treat her like the queen she truly is! Another way that my Dad spoiled my Mom was in gifts. He brought home flowers from work. He got her special gifts of jewellery for her Birthdays, Christmas, etc. He took her out and got her away from the house for special dates, regardless of the occasion. Their anniversary was always a big deal. In doing so, he validated my Mom as a woman. She wasn’t just one of his “buddies”. She wasn’t on the same level as anyone else, she was above any other level as far as my Dad was concerned and I think she knew it. Do I treat my wife the same way? Not nearly enough.

Before I finish this blog, you may be wondering what exactly does the final statement have to do with being a Father? And I would venture to say it has everything to do with it. A son learns how to treat women properly in his life both by interacting with his own mother, as well as watching his father interact with his mother. Sure, there are cases where a boy can grow into an outstanding husband and father without any good or positive examples in his life, but these cases are exceedingly rare. Also, a daughter learns about proper love and attention both by what she receives from her own Father but also by being witness to how a Husband and Wife relationship works. For both sons and daughters, watching as well as receiving the love of their Father figure goes leaps and bounds in determining the directions and choices they will make when they are older and mature, trying to figure out life in this world we find ourselves in.

So, finally to conclude, I want to thank my Father, my Dad, on being a great example for me to look up to and to follow. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Are there things I may have changed? Maybe. But, considering the amount of training and preparation we receive in order to become Fathers (which is too often actually nil), I would say you did an excellent job. Thank you for your example. Thank you for you love. Thank you for not only teaching me about relationships with others here on earth, but for also modeling a great relationship with our heavenly Father.

To be a Father or not to be… Really isn’t a question

I am a Dad of 4 wonderful kids. Right now, I have two daughters (6 years old and 8 months old) and two sons (4 years old and 2 years old). However, recently I’ve been challenging myself with the question of whether or not I am a Father.

What does it mean to be a Father? As the blog description states, and many people have said over the years, any old fool can become a Dad. Kids have become Dads. It takes nothing special. In fact, most of the time, it’s that lack of something special (self control, respect, foresightedness) that results in a boy or man becoming a Dad. We can quickly come up with hundreds upon thousands of examples of retarded Dads. Many of us probably remember the infamous Dad that hung his baby out over a balcony just so the crowds could see him. We have insensitive Dads, dead beat Dads, abusive Dads, and the list goes on and on.

So being a Dad doesn’t take anything special. But being a Father does. And I want to start digging into what makes the difference between being a Dad and actually becoming a Father. I want to learn what it takes. Many of these lessons I do understand will come from experience, and living life the best I can. I will make mistakes (I’ve been a Dad for 6 years, and I already have 6 years full of mistakes). But I don’t want to be that Dad at the end of his life looking back and regretting that I didn’t spend enough time with my kids. I listened to a great song the other day and it honestly scared me! It’s a song by Harry Chapin called Cats In The Cradle. Here are some of the lyrics if you’re unfamiliar with it.

My child arrived just the other day, he came to the world in the usual way. But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away, and he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew he’d say “I’m gonna be like you, Dad, you know I’m gonna be like you.”

My son turned ten just the other day. He said “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play. Can you teach me to throw?” I said “Not today, I got a lot to do”, he said “That’s OK” and he walked away but his smile never dimmed and said “I’m gonna be like him, yeah, you know I’m gonna be like him.”

Well, he came home from college just the other day, so much like a man I just had to say "Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?" He shook his head and said with a smile "What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys. See you later, can I have them please?"

I've long since retired, my son's moved away I called him up just the other day. I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind" He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time. You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad. It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like me. My boy was just like me

Pretty powerful song for me as a Father. And I do NOT want to be sitting in my rocker at the end of my time here on earth realizing I was only a Dad, but never a Father.

I have seen some great examples of good Fathers in my short 30 some years on this earth. I’ve also seen some poor ones. I have a great earthly Father in my own Dad that, while he may have made some mistakes as well, he paved a very good path for me to follow. I also have a heavenly Father that has shown absolute and unconditional love and acceptance. Over the next while, months, years, whatever it takes. I want to dig deeper into what it takes to be a Father. I want to be a Father to my children that they can love, respect and enjoy to be around. I want my kids to look back on their childhood with fond memories. I never want them to feel like Dad was more in love with work, sports, whatever than them.

And that is the point of this blog. To discuss my experiences. To display good and bad examples. To hash out what if’s and how to’s. But most importantly, maybe I will be able to leave this blog to my sons for when it becomes their turn to be Fathers. And maybe what I’ve learned I will be able to pass along to them as well.